In my previous blogpost Are You Struggling to Forgive Him or Her?, I shared on the difficult task of forgiveness and grace. So, you’ve decided to forgive and extend grace, what next? How do you go about restoring that broken relationship with your friend, spouse, family member, church-mate, colleague? Rick Warren in his book “Purpose Driven Life” outlines the following 7 biblical steps to restoring relationships in Chapter 20 Restoring Broken Fellowship:
1. Talk to God before talking to the person
If you will pray about the conflict first instead of gossiping to a friend, you will often discover that either God changes your heart or He changes the other person without your help. Tell God your frustrations. Cry out to Him. He’s never surprised or upset by your anger, hurt, insecurity, or any other emotions. So tell Him exactly how you feel. Most conflict is rooted in unmet needs. Some of these needs can only be met by God. Instead of looking to God, we look to others to make us happy and then get angry when they fail us. God says, “Why don’t you come to Me first?”
2. Always take the initiative
It doesn’t matter whether you are the offender or the offended: God expects you to make the first move. Don’t wait for the other party. Go to them first. Restoring broken fellowship is so important, Jesus commanded that it even takes priority over group worship. He said, “If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God.”
When fellowship is strained or broken, plan a peace conference immediately. Don’t procrastinate, make excuses, or promise “I’ll get around to it someday.” Schedule a face-to-face meeting as soon as possible. Delay only deepens resentment and makes matters worse. In conflict, time heals nothing; it causes hurts to fester.
Acting quickly also reduces the spiritual damage to you. The Bible says “Sin, including unresolved conflict, blocks our fellowship with God and keeps our prayers from being answered,” besides making us miserable.
The success of a peace conference often depends on choosing the right time and place to meet. Don’t meet when either of you is tired or rushed or will be interrupted. The best time is when you both are at your best.
3. Sympathize with their feelings
Use your ears more than your mouth. Before attempting to solve any disagreement you must first listen to people’s feelings. Paul advised, “Look out for one another’s interests, not just for your own.” Focus on their feelings, not the facts. Begin with sympathy, not solutions.
Don’t try to talk people out of how they feel at first. Just listen and let them unload emotionally without being defensive. Nod that you understand even when you don’t agree. Feelings are not always true or logical. In fact, resentment makes us act and think in foolish ways. David admitted, “When my thoughts were bitter and my feelings were hurt, I was as stupid as an animal.” We all act beastly when hurt.
Listening says, “I value your opinion, I care about our relationship, and you matter to me.” The cliche is true: People don’t care what we know until they know we care.
4. Confess your part of the conflict
If you are serious about restoring a relationship, you should begin with admitting your own mistakes or sin. Jesus said it’s the way to see things more clearly: “First get rid of the log from your own eye; then perhaps you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.”
Since we all have blind spots, you may need to ask a third party to help you evaluate your own actions before meeting with the person with whom you have a conflict. Also ask God to show you how much of the problem is your fault. Ask, “Am I the problem? Am I being unrealistic, insensitive, or too sensitive?” The Bible says, “If we claim that we’re free of sin, we’re only fooling ourselves.”
Confession is a powerful tool for reconciliation. Often the way we handle a conflict creates a bigger hurt than the original problem itself. When you begin by humbly admitting your mistakes, it defuses the other person’s anger and disarms their attack because they were probably expecting you to be defensive. Don’t make excuses or shift the blame; just honestly own up to any part you have played in the conflict. Accept responsibility for your mistakes and ask for forgiveness.
5. Attack the problem, not the person
You cannot fix the problem if you’re consumed with fixing the blame. You must choose between the two. The Bible says, “A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper fire.” You will never get your point across by being cross, so choose your words wisely. A soft answer is always better than a sarcastic one.
In resolving conflict, how you say it is as important as what you say. If you say it offensively, it will be received defensively. God tells us, “A wise, mature person is known for his understanding. The more pleasant his words, the more persuasive he is.” Nagging never works. You are never persuasive when you’re abrasive.
For the sake of fellowship, you must destroy your arsenal of relational nuclear weapons, including condemning, belittling, comparing, labeling, insulting, condescending, and being sarcastic. Paul sums it up this way: “Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you.”
6. Cooperate as much as possible
Paul said, “Do everything possible on your part to live in peace with everybody.” Peace always has a price tag. Sometimes it costs our pride; it often costs our self-centeredness. For the sake of fellowship, do your best to compromise, adjust to others, and show preference to what they need. A paraphrase of Jesus’ seventh beatitude says, “You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family.”
7. Emphasize reconciliation, not resolution
It is unrealistic to expect everyone to agree about everything. Reconciliation focuses on the relationship, while resolution focuses on the problem. When we focus on reconciliation, the problem loses significance and often becomes irrelevant.
We can reestablish a relationship even when we are unable to resolve our differences. Christians often have legitimate, honest disagreements and differing opinions, but we can disagree without being disagreeable. The same diamond looks different from different angles. God expects unity, not uniformity, and we can walk arm-in-arm without seeing eye-to-eye on every issue.
This doesn’t mean you give up on finding a solution. You may need to continue discussing and even debating-but you do it in a spirit of harmony. Reconciliation means you bury the hatchet, not necessarily the issue.
Practice God’s method for conflict resolution
In addition to the principles outlined above, Jesus gave the church a simple three-step process: “If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him-work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you’ve made a friend. If he won’t listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he still won’t listen, tell the church.”
During conflict, it is tempting to complain to a third party rather than courageously speak the truth in love to the person you’re upset with. This makes the matter worse. Instead, you should go directly to the person involved.
Private confrontation is always the first step, and you should take it as soon as possible. If you’re unable to work things out between the two of you, the next step is to take one or two witnesses to help confirm the problem and reconcile the relationship. What should you do if the person is still stuck in stubbornness? Jesus says to take it to the church. If the person still refuses to listen after that, you should treat that person like an unbeliever.
With whom do you need to restore fellowship? Don’t delay another second. Pause right now and talk to God about that person. Then pick up the phone and begin the process. These seven steps are simple, but they are not easy. It takes a lot of effort to restore a relationship. That’s why Peter urged, “Work hard at living in peace with others.” But when you work for peace, you are doing what God would do. That’s why God calls peacemakers his children.
Until next time,
May God help you restore your broken relationships!
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